Emotional regulation is often misunderstood as a way to control or suppress what we feel. Here, Eleonora Ramsby Herrera shares her perspective on emotions as meaningful responses that help us orient ourselves in the world and serve as a compass for self-understanding, relationship and conscious choice – and how practices like meditation and breath can support this process.
Emotions can help us orient to the world
The way I understand emotional regulation is closely aligned with an existential view, where emotions serve as an orientation to where we stand in the world. Emotions can tell us something about what is happening to us and how it affects us in a particular moment. In this sense, emotions are not merely internal states to be managed but meaningful responses to our lived situation.
Emotional regulation is sometimes misunderstood as a means of controlling our emotions by trying to remain calm and detached amid chaos. This can border on spiritual bypassing, a term introduced by late Buddhist and psychologist John Welwood to describe how a spiritual practice can become a way to avoid, rather than engage with, the realities of our life. Consequently, it can create distance from experience, severing our connection with the world and our relationships within it. We are not separate individuals moving through the world unaffected by what happens around us; rather, we are always in relationship with it. We cannot touch something without being touched ourselves.
Emotional regulation as awareness rather than control
Instead, emotional regulation can be understood as the capacity to be aware of our emotions and to acknowledge that we never encounter the world in a neutral way. Our interactions are always coloured by our assumptions, histories, and perspectives. While we cannot remove this lens, we can become more attuned to how strongly it shapes us and how we allow it to influence our way of being in the world.
We can either be reactive to our emotions, controlled or overwhelmed by them, or suppress them because we do not like how they feel. Alternatively, as existential philosopher and psychotherapist Emmy van Deurzen suggests, we can learn to relate to emotions as a compass for orienting our lives and to approach them as moments of learning through self-enquiry. This can be done by reflecting on questions such as: What happened for me to feel this way? What did I or didn't do in that moment? How can I take charge and control the situation as it is now? Can I do something different about it that will shift how I am in the world and with people, in such a way that I am happy to go by my emotions rather than being run over by them?
Meditation and breath as tools for emotional regulation
A central aspect of this work is learning how to be with our emotions as they arise in present-moment experience. Meditation can be a supportive practice here, as it allows us to feel emotions fully and directly within a space of stillness and contemplative compassion. Here too, the breath can be our companion, helping us remain grounded and steady amidst the inner turbulence that may arise.
A full and meaningful life is not one that avoids difficult emotions, but one that embraces the full range – from joy and laughter to rage and sorrow. This is part of what it means to be human. From this perspective, learning to live with our emotions and to use them as guidance for conscious choice allows us to inhabit our lives with greater clarity, depth and wakefulness.
Online Course: Emotional Regulation with Eleonora Ramsby Herrera
Interested in exploring practices to navigate your emotions? In the online course Emotional Regulation, Eleonora Ramsby Herrera guides you through simple ways to regulate your nervous system and support your emotional wellbeing using meditation and pranayama.
Practice Online – Meditation & Breathwork
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Further reading
- Exploring the breath, by Eleonora Ramsby Herrera
- Creating a space for the wild birds to settle down, by Eleonora Ramsby Herrera
- Meditation as a tool for improving mental health, by Anna-Mari Pentikäinen
